Sunday, August 22, 2010

Sunday Blues

My DH has been gone for a week and every time he leaves, life goes in the crapper. I don't have time to do my work and the rest of my family sucks the life out of me because they can't seem to do anything while he's gone. I always realize just what a good buffer he is but this time I'm really going to suffer. I have a book due that may or may not get done by the end of the month. I have an 18 yo I have to drive to college because he and DH didn't get his driver's license before he left and it takes almost a month to get an appointment.

The oldest is only working part time because he's a surveyor and we live in the worst place in the world right now for construction, Las Vegas. I don't mind helping but they always come to me when my DH is gone. And yes, that is his Dad we're talking about. The DH told me I was much too much of a soft touch. Maybe so but I can't allow anyone to starve. Right now, I'm thinking about going back to school to get a skill in the medical field as it is the only one hiring in this area.

Then I just got a notice from a contest I entered. Close but no cigar. Sigh. It makes me wonder just what I'm doing and if what I've wanted to be all my life is worth it. I started writing when I was 11 years old and sold my first piece at 12. Didn't sell again for many, many years but the fact I did had me jumping for joy. I can understand wondering just why one sits in front of the computer writing as there are days when nothing goes right. Recently, I had someone tell me that everything I wrote was awful and it's almost made me stop writing altogether for a while. I write dirty when I write fast then I clean it up afterwards. I've always been that way as I just have to get it down then rework it. I never thought it was something to worry about until this person made me feel awful.

Add the pirates to this and it makes life horrible in a lot of cases. I don't get as many pirates as most but the ones I do get are totally annoying and without scruples. It makes me wonder just why these people think they are entitled to have things for free. People aren't entitled to anything for free, as someone will have to pay for it somewhere. Life just isn't free at all, in any way, shape or form. I do believe we need to help people when we can but there are just some times we can't. I know most of the very rich don't think about this at all. There are weeks I pray for the lottery and I don't even live in a lottery state.

I read an interview once about Kate Winslet and its stuck in my mind. She had said in this interview that she woke up every day thinking that someone would find out she was a fake, that she couldn't act and didn't deserve the accolades or lucky breaks she'd been given in her life. When I get this low, I think about that often because it makes me realize no matter who you are or what you have, self-doubt is part of life when you're in a creative field. Luckily for me, it doesn't come often but when it does, it's hard and bad. I just stop writing and a part of me dies.

Then something happens. I see a movie or read a book or play on line and I remember I have a story similar to what I've seen or read or done. Maybe, just maybe, someone along the way will like what I wrote and read it. Maybe they won't but surely someone will love the hunky hero or sexy heroine which is out to save the world or kickass or whatever they do in the story. Maybe my story isn't so bad and it will get out there. Just maybe. Yes, I flip-flop through the emotions of the whole thing and slowly but surely, I'll land back on top.

But the journey is incredibly bumpy and long sometimes and sad. But I always get back to where I need to be somehow and it certainly helps to know I am not alone.

Thank you all for being with me on this journey. I do appreciate your support.


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